Dear Mother,
Today, I am writing you a letter, for the words I want to say to you are too hard to speak.
Through the years, you have been my everything; my hero, my inspiration, my guide and counselor and most of all my mother. Somehow, it just doesn't seem fair that it has all come down to one day which will change your life and mine, forever.
Today was one of the hardest days I have ever lived. Leaving you to start a new life in a home of perfect strangers was heart wrenching. I thank God that you really don't understand where you are. Once again, unwillingly, I call dementia my friend.
Entering my house, I feel an emptiness. I catch a glimpse of your blue chair sitting by the window and my heart breaks. Hurrying up the stairs, I dare not glance at the double glass doors where hundreds of times I have watched you pass through. I miss you.
So many promises were made to you when I decided to bring you to my house to live. Promises that I had every intention of fulfilling, but have broken. "You will live with me 'til you die Mama" I told you. "We will have a good time Mama, we can take you places," "you'll be able to go to church now, to the beach," "and you'll never have to move again" I said. I'm sorry, please forgive me.
I promise you now, I will always be there for you, day or night. I'll visit you relentlessly, I'll be your voice, your advocate, your strength.
Lastly, I want to say "thank you," for being the most wonderful mother a girl could ever have. After all these things, you still look at me and say "I love you too." You will always be my beautiful mother, I love you without end.---Jean
With a disease of uncertain damage your promises were made with, what was known at the time they were made Jean, and with the changes occurring much faster than we would like, this definitely does not make you a promise-breaker but a caregiver, friend, loving daughter, someone whose heart surrounds this person with a disease.
ReplyDeleteDear Jean,
ReplyDeleteYou my love did not break promises. A disease did. One of which I work with daily. YOU have always been your mother's daughter full of grace and love! Remember God is always there for you and your mother. If you need and ear call me. I will be in North Carolina on Saturday and Sunday maybe we can sit and talk. I love you and I'm very proud of all you do for your mother's safety and care! Lisa Conner-Crisp
Dear Jean
ReplyDeleteThree weeks ago today I made the same journey, as I took my wonderful father to a care home. And I am still reeling from the suddenness of it all, his swift deterioration and all that lies ahead.
Thank you for writing as you have done. I am thousands of miles away in the UK, but share the heartbreak you are going through.
"He will command His angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways" (Psalm 91:11)
Jean, I know how hard this was for you. Please remember that the best way you can take care of your sweet mother now is to take care of Jean. You have been stretched as far as you could go and we all are thankful you did not break. The Lord will get you through this and I am humbled to have been your friend since elementary school. Get some rest because I know you still will be tried.
ReplyDeleteDear Jean,
ReplyDeleteI have a quick question about your site; please email me back as soon as possible!
Cameron
You say so well everything I'm thinking and feeling. I too have had the most wonderful mother, who not only mothered me, but had to be my friend when we suddenly lived in a gas plant that once had 16 families, to just us, 30 miles from anywhere. She went to all my events, drove my school bus, dragged main street with me and the girls, was the example of Sunday School teacher to children that led me to not only teach SS but at a Christian School. This "dumping" as it's called is all wrong. We place them where they will get the best care from professionals who are trained to be the best caregivers. You and I operated off love, they operate off of dedication, professionalism, training, and something special God gives 'nurses'. Know that you are a wonderful daughter, and are doing the best for your mom.
ReplyDelete